9 Reasons You May Struggle to Believe You Can Have Good Things

Sometimes you know exactly what you want: a better job, a healthy relationship, more financial stability, a successful business, a degree, a peaceful home… Yet instead of moving toward it, another thought appears: “That probably isn’t for me.” Maybe you do not literally believe you are undeserving. Perhaps experience has simply taught you not to expect very much. “I don’t deserve something good” and “I don’t believe something good will happen for me” can produce similar behavior—settling, avoiding, procrastinating, disqualifying yourself—but they may come from very different places.

Here are nine reasons you may struggle to believe there is more for you.

1. You discount success after it happens

You accomplished something, but your mind immediately explains it away:

“You were lucky.”

“The competition was weak.”

“Someone helped you.”

“They were just being nice.”

This pattern is often associated with the impostor phenomenon: difficulty internalizing legitimate accomplishments alongside the belief that others may be overestimating your ability. The imposter phenomenon a.k.a imposter syndrome is not a psychological disorder. Impostor feelings are not proof that you are unqualified.

Ask yourself:

“What evidence would I use to judge someone else with my same qualifications and experience?”

Apply the same standard to yourself.

2. You genuinely do not have much evidence yet

Not everyone struggling with confidence is secretly accomplished. Maybe you are new. Maybe you have experienced repeated setbacks. Maybe no one in your family has done what you want to do. Maybe you have never stayed consistent long enough to see progress. That is where self-efficacy matters. Self-efficacy refers to our belief that we can perform the actions necessary for a particular task. One major source of self-efficacy is mastery experience—actually doing something and discovering that you can handle it. PMC

Rather than waiting to believe, create evidence. Take a class. Make the call. Apply for one position. Practice the skill. Ask one question. Confidence can follow action.

3. Repeated disappointment has taught you not to hope

Sometimes lowering your expectations feels emotionally safer. You tried before and it hurt. Why get excited again? Research examining reactions to failure has found that seeing failure as both uncontrollable and unlikely to change can lower later self-efficacy and performance compared with viewing causes as changeable or controllable (Coffee et al., 2009). That research came from experimental performance settings, so it should not be treated as proof about every major life disappointment, but the principle is useful. PubMed

Ask yourself:

“What exactly did my previous experience teach me?”

Maybe it taught you something important. “That attempt failed” is different from “this can never work for me.”

4. Your worth has become tied to achievement or approval

A goal becomes dangerous when it has to prove your value. You do not merely want the promotion. You need the promotion to prove you are good enough. You do not merely want the relationship. Being chosen becomes proof that you are lovable. Research on contingent self-worth suggests that when self-esteem depends heavily on success within a particular domain, outcomes within that area can produce larger fluctuations in self-evaluation. Relationship-contingent self-esteem has been studied specifically in romantic relationships (Knee et al., 2008). Self Determination Theory

Try asking:

“What can this outcome give me—and what can it never prove?”

A better job can give you money and opportunity. It cannot determine your human value.

5. Your past relationships taught you to expect less

Maybe consistency feels unrealistic because you have rarely experienced it. Maybe faithfulness sounds like an unusually high standard. Maybe basic respect feels exceptional. Your previous experiences create expectations. However, familiar does not automatically mean healthy. This also does not mean women remain in unhealthy relationships because they “lack self-worth.” Relationship choices are far more complex.

Instead, clarify your standards:

“What do I require?”

“What do I prefer?”

“What am I unwilling to normalize?”

Then evaluate the relationship in front of you according to behavior—not only your history.

6. Positive attention makes you uncomfortable

Most people understand fear of criticism. Less obvious is discomfort with praise. Research on fear of positive evaluation has found that positive attention can also feel socially threatening for some people, particularly in social anxiety. Praise may create greater visibility, higher perceived expectations, or concerns about standing out (Fredrick & Luebbe, 2020; Reichenberger & Blechert, 2018). PubMed

You may notice yourself:

Minimizing compliments.

Downplaying accomplishments.

Immediately explaining why success was not impressive.

Avoiding attention.

Ask yourself:

“What do I think might happen if people see me doing well?”

The answer may reveal more than the compliment itself.

7. The people around you support your growth—until you actually grow

Some discouragement is obvious. Other discouragement sounds supportive:

“I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

“That sounds really difficult for you.”

“Why put yourself through all that?”

“You already have a decent job.”

Then progress begins.

And the message changes:

“You think you’re better than us.”

“You’ve changed.”

“You don’t have time for anybody anymore.”

Close relationships genuinely matter to goal pursuit. A meta-analysis of 36 samples involving more than 10,000 participants found that responsive and practical support were positively associated with goal outcomes, whereas negative forms of support were negatively associated with them (Vowels & Carnelley, 2022). Wiley Online Library

Support is not simply saying:

“I support you.”

Support can also look like respecting your autonomy even when someone would make a different decision.

Ask yourself:

“Does this person help me think—or repeatedly make me doubt myself?”

You do not need to remove everyone who worries about you. However, you may need to become more selective about whose anxiety becomes advice.

8. You compare your beginning with someone else’s evidence

You see another woman doing what you want to do. She looks confident, established, and successful. You do not see her first attempts, training, mistakes, support, money, connections, timing, opportunity, etc. Comparison can make someone else’s finished chapter look like evidence that you are behind.

Instead of asking:

“Why am I not there?”

try:

“What does her experience teach me about the next skill, resource, or decision I might need?”

Turn comparison into information.

9. Some barriers are real

Not every limitation is a negative belief. Women can face discrimination. Financial restrictions exist. Caregiving responsibilities happen. Health limitations occur. Unsupportive workplaces abound. Lack of access to education or mentorship, relationship constraints, racism, ageism, sexism, etc. are real. A woman questioning whether she belongs in an environment that has repeatedly questioned her belonging is not necessarily irrational. Research on the impostor phenomenon increasingly emphasizes that context matters and cautions against locating every problem solely within the individual. PMC

The solution to a structural barrier is not simply:

“Believe in yourself more.”

Sometimes you need strategy, resources, advocacy, mentorship, support, or a different environment. Sometimes you need a realistic acknowledgment that the path may be harder than it should be.

You do not have to become completely confident before you want more

The goal is not to convince yourself:

“I can have anything I want.”

Life does not offer that guarantee.

A healthier belief is:

“I do not have to disqualify myself before I find out what is actually possible.”

Maybe you need to recognize accomplishments you already earned. Maybe you need small experiences that create confidence. Maybe you need to reconsider what you have learned to tolerate in relationships. Maybe you need to separate your worth from your achievements. Maybe you need to try again differently. Maybe you need healthier support. Or maybe you need practice receiving something good without immediately waiting for it to disappear. You are allowed to investigate what more could look like. You are allowed to gather new evidence.

For those of you who are leaning into your faith right now, Philippians 4:13 teaches us that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us, so technically you can do all things but you must also remember that all things might not occur the way you expect or plan. Also, consider whether the thing you seek is in alignment with God’s plan for your life. Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails (Proverbs 19:21). Therefore be encouraged to keep taking those small steps forward, while being flexible about the outcome.

Help shape what FYCF creates next

I’m exploring what women most want deeper, step-by-step support changing. So if there’s an emotional struggle, relationship pattern, or life challenge that you wish someone would walk you through step by step, I’d love for you to tell me about it. What are you struggling with, and what would you most like to be able to do differently?

You can share your thoughts using the quick poll link below. Your responses will help shape what Fill Your Cup First creates next.

APA References

Bandura, A. (1997). Self-efficacy: The exercise of control. W. H. Freeman.

Coffee, P., Rees, T., & Haslam, S. A. (2009). Bouncing back from failure: The interactive impact of perceived controllability and stability on self-efficacy beliefs and future task performance. Journal of Sports Sciences, 27(11), 1117–1124. https://doi.org/10.1080/02640410903030297 Heriot-Watt Research Portal

Cokley, K. O., Bernard, D. L., Stone-Sabali, S., & Awad, G. H. (2024). Impostor phenomenon in racially/ethnically minoritized groups: Current knowledge and future directions. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 20, 407–430. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-clinpsy-081122-015724 DOI

Fredrick, J. W., & Luebbe, A. M. (2020). Fear of positive evaluation and social anxiety: A systematic review of trait-based findings. Journal of Affective Disorders, 265, 157–168. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2020.01.042 PubMed

Knee, C. R., Canevello, A., Bush, A. L., & Cook, A. (2008). Relationship-contingent self-esteem and the ups and downs of romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 95(3), 608–627. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.95.3.608 Self Determination Theory

Liu, S., Wei, M., & Russell, D. (2023). Effects of a brief self-compassion intervention for college students with impostor phenomenon. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 70(6), 711–724. https://doi.org/10.1037/cou0000703PubMed

Price, P. C., Holcomb, B., & Payne, M. B. (2024). Gender differences in impostor phenomenon: A meta-analytic review. Current Research in Behavioral Sciences, 7, 100155. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.crbeha.2024.100155 DOAJ

Reichenberger, J., & Blechert, J. (2018). Malaise with praise: A narrative review of 10 years of research on the concept of fear of positive evaluation in social anxiety. Depression and Anxiety, 35(12), 1228–1238. https://doi.org/10.1002/da.22808 Wiley Online Library

Tewfik, B. A., Yip, J. A., & Martin, S. R. (2025). Workplace impostor thoughts, impostor feelings, and impostorism: An integrative, multidisciplinary review of research on the impostor phenomenon. Academy of Management Annals, 19(1). https://doi.org/10.5465/annals.2023.0100 Academy of Management Journals

Vowels, L. M., & Carnelley, K. B. (2022). Partner support and goal outcomes: A multilevel meta-analysis and a methodological critique. European Journal of Social Psychology, 52(4), 679–694. https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.2846